Redhawkary to the Max

RED HAWK: DECEMBER 1ST
[EDIT: Yeah, that's not Cheese... apparently I don't know all the intricacies of Kuz' friends' nicknames. A big "who cares" to Charlotte, without the 'O,' for pointing that out to me. But seriously, thanks. (12/15/2005)]

Yeee-haw man, living every pure blooded caucasian dude’s dream. Drinking a giant PBR while choking out your wo-man. On a side note, you can tell why Kristie’s my friend, because that’s definitely not my hand throwin up the horns.

Hahahahahaha, it’s Darren’s roommate. I think his name is Cheese. I always wondered why they called him cheese. I’m pretty sure this picture sheds some light on that mystery.
Also, why is he about to hook up with that girl if he’s drinking... BOTTLED WATER! Dude, at least hold a bottle of tequila for the picture or something so you can have an excuse to tell your friends later.
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese

This picture perfectly illustrates what we call the “Yin and Yang of Tequila.” Person A takes a shot of the much hated beverage under much peer pressure and coaxing with boob shots. Person B then laughs at Person A’s tequila-taste-misery for the next five minutes.
NOTE: Yin and Yang of Tequila only applies to white people.

Here, local celebrity Shelly Croissanwich is involved in a violent struggle to fend off the paparazzi. She pretends she doesn’t want her picture taken and subsequently plastered all over the Myspace tabloids the next day, but we can tell deep down inside she likes it. Either way, I hope she turns around and tells that girl in the white shirt that that’s a pool table, not a dance floor, and that the guy singing on the microphone isn’t really Sir Mix-A-Lot, and, I guess explain to her what karaoke is, and I dunno card her or something?

I spent probably about fifteen minutes convincing this girl that I lived in Japan for four years and spoke fluent Japanese. Also that the Japanese character tattooed to her lower hip/upper vagina was not really the Japanese character for "Dancer," and in fact that it was the Japanese character for, "Questionable Lady." It was great because she totally believed me too... but in hindsight, I probably should have just made a Killer Klowns From Outerspace joke and moved on.

Yep, it’s a Christmas Light nipple... and if you lick it enough times, it does in fact light up. It also lights up if you accidently touch my metal edges while trying to remove the butterflies in my stomach with tiny plastic operation pliers.

Dude, I’m two for two on looking like a fuckin psychotic retard on these group jager shot pictures... but really, look at Josh Lentz in this picture. He looks like he’s leading a Special Education field trip to a kareoke bar. How come he’s the only one that doesn’t get to look like one of the flaming retard triplets, a sweaty dead guy, or a deep throating Puerto Rican chick?

Josh, dude... I think you need to give Matt his glove back.
Either that, or stop borrowing Paul’s arm. I know it’s cold out man, but just buy a jacket or something.

Beer goggles? Beer goggles are for pussies. Try seeing the world through the eyes of one, Mr. Hans Deerstein. Now that’s a fuckin trip.
Also, it looks like Denney’s taking this picture with his face pressed up against an imaginary glass window.

Wow, that's amazing... I'm not even mad.

Wow, surprisingly this group shot was taken towards the end of the night. Somehow eighty percent of the photograph managed to pull it together and look somewhat sober. A cop probably took this picture...

Okay, let’s do some basic math. Lots of alcohol, plus Kristie’s roommate with drunk in her eyes, equals giant smile on skeevy guy’s face.

Yeah, Kristie and her roommate definitely did some kissing, but you can tell she doesn’t really love her because her eyes are open.

I’m not really sure why there was another picture of this right after the first one. My only guess is that I told them the first shot looked totally uninspired and to try harder. At any rate, it looks like they are, so I’ll toss a golf clap out there. On a side note, go me for being able to tell the first one was sub-par without the aid of a digital camera.

I don’t know what the fuck this was a picture of. But the old guy in the white trash hat watching fishing on ESPN is absolutely hilarious.
Also, I don’t know what was said between Kristie and Sean Denney here, but that is one high quality "What the Fuck" look on Denney’s face.

"Cut!" screamed the director a mere moment before the red cloud spewed forth from Denney’s mouth. Tyler smiled and walked back to his trailer, his work here was done. Luckily for Tyler, he rarely went anywhere these days without his stunt double.

Remember how in Kindergarten there was that kid who would eat anything for like a nickle? Well, those kids grow up, and they will eat light bulbs for shots of jager.
What, you didn’t think that joke was funny? Well fuck you, my stunt double guy’s laughing... we pay him for that too.

Much like chipmunks or squirrels, the wild Kristie Millers will often horde table salt, straws, ice cubes, and other such necessities in their hoods in preparation of the long winter.

On this edition of FOX’s So You Think You Can Dance the judges were especially critical of the young dancer’s C-Walking abilities.

See Christina, maybe if you show up before three o’clock in the morning next time, we can BOTH look like drunk assholes in the picture.
Also, my eyes look really fuckin freaky, like the children of the corn or some shit, I dunno, but those eyes are for sure gonna haunt my dreams.

Christina showed up at 3:00 AM, and by 3:05 she was involved in a high stakes game of beer-limbo, a dangerous game in which you must limbo under a drunk Sean Denney’s arm without spilling the two beers you are double fisting in a vain attempt to catch up with the seven drunk fuck-o’s you met up at the bar.

Sometimes you’re the life of the party...sometimes the party takes your life. But sometimes you pass out and the party draws a penis on your forehead. Either way, this picture pisses me off, because they were passed out in the bar, which is funny. But not NEARLY as funny as them passed out on top of each other in the back of a car. Oh damn you Kodak for only making your disposable cameras hold 27 shots instead of 28.... damn YOU!

Half the fun is in washing the puke off of this T-shirt the next morning. On an author’s notation, I’m glad Cheese moved onto Kuz from that first girl... he’s much prettier, and probably willing to do anything for a green card.

Marissa's Birthday and the Soulfly Show

Marissa's 24th Berfday Party

This was Marissa trying to take a picture of her new boobs for all of us. Unfortunately, Marissa's photography skills aren't as good as her new boob skills. So, ummm yeah, we'll just have to take her word on that, but "D" for effort Marissa!!!!

Here, the artist formerly known as "Bitchell" was found in the back on the party locked in a steamy embrace with one Mr. Hans Deerstein--a local celebrity who made out with over a third of the party that night.

I was so happy to actually see Matt Mitchell hanging out with us, I apparently turned completely fucking gay for the remander of this picture I don't remember taking. However, on a side note, I also didn't remember the mass singing of the national anthem (one and a half times) or drawing a Hitler mustache on Karim until I was reminded on Sunday, so yeah.... go team Big Fags!

Hey look, it's my good friend Chelsey... I apparently owe: her over half a jager/red bull, and Darren Kuzyk an apology. Also, if you look closely, you can see a small cartoon asian guy grabbing her nipple with chop sticks... Which beg's the question, "Where was Sean Denney during this party anyways?"

I think this picture pretty much speaks for itself... if it's any consolation, this was the first shot we all took that night, wait... that kind of makes it worse.

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Soulfly/Throwdown Concert

The fabulous Mr. Doug Ong drove us to the show... he either: A) was a little hyped up, or B) Learned to drive from Aldo

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Quick, what has one hand full, is too drunk to point at itself, and loves PBR? THIS GUY!!!!

These guys just got married, but Peach Fuzz McGoatee didn't spring for the delux wedding photo package, so I figured I'd be cool and use my former pro-photography skills and take some shots for them. I was going to send them the pictures, but the marriage got anulled the next day when she sobered up.

I wanted to take a picture of me pissing on this mo-ped, since the dude driving it was probably wearing a skirt... but unfortunately he was parked two rows down from a yellow jeep with a Don Juilo decal on it... so you can do that math on that one. Note: I especially like how he has a hooked-up exhaust system on this hog, haha.

After the show, we all went to Aldo's new condo and Doug kicked over my grape juice/vodka. Aldo has white carpeting... wait, let me say that again... ALDO has white carpeting, WHITE!!! Just cause ranch dressing is also white, doesn't mean it won't leave a stain when you spill that bucket of buffalo wings trying to do a flying people's elbow off of the coffee table, buddy.
Anyways, the real reason I took this picture was because it's the first time any of us have ever seen Aldo clean something, so I just wanted to see if the film would come out all distorted and blurry like pictures of bigfoot. And also to make sure we didn't hallucinate this.
On an extra side note: what kind of grown-ass man keeps grape juice in his refrigerator?

Here's Doug Ong eating Roberto's Taco Shop at one AM... come on Doug, you're a doctor, you went to medical school for eleven years and learned every fasces of the human body. You should know how bad this is going to fuck your shit up man!!!

This girl was licking everyone's eyeballs and taking pictures of it... I thought, "Wow... that's kind of wierd." But later that night she walked back into PT's covered in guacamole and flashing everybody, and at this moment it all came together and I realised she was just being "that girl" that night... so it all made sense in the end. Anyways, I told her hell no unless she bought me a drink. Needless to say, we all woke up with pink-eye the next day.

Ever see that SNL skit where Chris Kattan pretends to be a monkey man from the Amazon and runs around screaming "BaK!" and humping peoples legs and stuff? I'm not sure if that's what Doug was going for here, but this girl definitly seems less than pleased with it.... bad Mr. Peepers!!!

Yep, it's a picture of a broken golf club... pretty unexciting, huh? Well, that's only because you didn't see some guy our age start beating up an 89 year old dude in the parking lot and then get blasted in the head with a golf club. Lesson? Never mess with an 89 year old man in the grassy hills of Summerlin, it's their natural habitat, you'll get your ass kiiiiicked!!!

If you look closely at this picture, you can see this girl's soul.

These were some super scene kids... did you know if you're straight edged, you still eat at Roberto's at 4 o'clock in the morning? Yeah, I was confused too. One of the kids in that group was wearing a Throwdown hoodie, so I asked him if he went to the show, and he said, "Hell no, Throwdown sucks ass!!!" Once again, I was confused...

These chicks were violently making-out, grabbing eachother's boobs, and other various acts of drunk-vegas-chickary, So I--being a guy--took a picture. And I somehow managed to capture them in the least hot pseduo-lesbian pose EVER...

This chick was from Reno, she really likes going to Sparky's, Walker would probably hate her... That's right Walker, I'm pointing through this giant hooped earing at you, you buddy, because you and this chick have probably argued over what part of a dog's anatomy sweat comes from.

I've thought long and hard why the hell I took this picture and I can only come up with one hypothesis... I think that it was supposed to be a picture of Doug and this girl, but my drunk ass doesn't know the difference between horizontal or verticle or something. Anyways, Doug has on a pink leather wristband!

Undeniable photographic proof that the jukebox at the Summerlin PT's does indeed play Iron Maiden songs...

This girl is finishing the irish car bomb that Aldo spit back into his glass because he was too drunk to finish it... and no, we are not super gross assholes; she saw him do it, called him a pussy, gave me a highfive, and drank it. This chick is more hardcore than me... wow.